Who’s life is this?

Ever feel you're living someone else's life? I've been there. No fun. I remember feeling like a passenger on a train watching my life pass by. It was a very surreal experience realizing I was a spectator of my own life. Such a powerless feeling resorting to asking Who’s am I living? “Certainly not my own” I would think in defeated frustration. 

There was a time when life felt so insurmountable and overwhelming. No matter what I did, it wasn’t good enough. That I wasn’t good enough for things to finally go my way. Seriously?!? Blaming everything for my plight. Just thinking about those days causes me the slightest bit of anxiety. "Poor me" is how I use to feel. "Who will come save me?" were the unspoken words I would deny myself to ask aloud.

I would literally catch myself looking out the window sometimes. Waiting for what felt like the arrival of something I knew was not coming. Not sure what I was waiting for nor did I realize why I was doing that. I wasn’t happy in my situation at the time but thought I could tough it out until life reached some clarifying event before I believed I had what was needed to act on my own behalf. Positive thinking was the best I could muster, being thankful the next. Little did I know I was completely out of alignment with my sincerest values. Heck, I didn’t really know what they even were. You know what was clear? The things I did not want. Oh boy, I could go on and on all day over the things I didn’t want. That was easy peasy lemon squeezy. 

I’d experienced enough crap to write a list five miles long, not really. If asked what I wanted, I’d stutter and stammer with long-winded explanations of what I wanted while really saying nothing at all. I was an angry little man, a man in his own mirrored boxed. Reactionary, triggered, and lost with little clue of my true north. Gosh, that sounded so bleak. Yeah, I was not a happy person. Making others happy was my thang. The accommodating chameleon, pleasing the entire world around me except the one who makes it all happen, Me. Imagine the arrogance required to even conceive that I could control the very universe I live in by pure mental will. Though evidence to the contrary was proven time and time again.

The single greatest discovery I’ve ever made was recognizing the perception of me I thought was driving really was nothing more than a passenger. Here are the top five signs you might a passenger of your own life.

5 signs you may be a passenger of your own life:

  1. Backseat driver - take a moment to reflect on recent experiences. Are you reacting to situations or circumstances that turn out to be not as big as initially perceived? Reactivity to our experiences is the first sign we are that passenger who stomps that imaginary brake pedal hoping the driver is experiencing will slow down. You know that feeling, “We’re approaching too fast, slow down!!!!” Now consider there being a real difference between reacting to situations instead of intentionally responding to them with ease no matter how uncomfortable. 
  2. Circumstances beyond us - This one still gets me sometimes. Every now and again, I remember there really is no destination, only a series of perpetual Nows, that I, knowingly or unknowingly, co-create. That is to say, waiting for X thing to happen before I can do something about it is another indication I am not aware that I’m the one whose daily actions leading to X in the end. Another example would be similar to taking a taxi or Uber and catching every red light and arriving late to my destination. Then blaming the driver or traffic for my tardiness. When in reality it was my last minute lack of mindfulness that lead to my running late in the first place. Don’t get me wrong there are things out of our illusion of control for a much higher purpose than we can comprehend in the moment.
  3. Comparison to our inner badass - This took a while to wrap my head around. Deep inside there is a version of me I’ve always known was capable of being a badass. I’ve always known it, despite not really believing it. So what would I do? I’d unwittingly compare myself to that inner badass while living out patterns and habits that keep me parked like a car on lockdown because of a parking boot unable to drive. Resulting in disappointment after disappointment.
  4. The lack of it all - There were times I would seriously wish to someday be walking down the street and miraculously finding a bag of money. Who wouldn’t wish the same? Or that thing I want so bad would magically appear before me. For the longest while my wishes felt like they were landing on deaf ears. For all my efforts, things rarely played out how I saw them in my head. Until I learned that the underlying intention of my desires were founded in lack and scarcity. My head saw one thing, but my heartfelt the exact opposite. A misalignment on a massive scale. 
  5. The mirroring effect - When things would not go my way, the first question I’d ask was “Why?” I couldn’t see past my very own nose. Meaning my level of self-awareness equaled my ability to see how I had a hand in my perceived misfortune. I never fully understood “Perception is reality” and what it really meant. Initially, I thought it meant that which “I” perceive is real. NOT! Then I learned it’s not what I perceived, but how I’m choosing to perceive that which is actually being reflected back to me.

Where I stand today is a result of doing the work and returning to a sense of self I’ve always known was there but afraid of unlimited potential he had access to. What if life turns out to be amazing when all I’ve known was the opposite? The unknown can either be the scariest concept ever or the most beautiful woven piece of black canvas. No matter which you perceive, you get to create the very life you've always envisioned. The thought of that moves me to tears. To think there is no limit in co-creating a life I would fall madly in-love with scares the living piss out me as it inspires me to reach for the stars. So, who’s life are you living?