What if that seemingly wrong relationship turned out to be exactly what You Needed? Just saying... Hope you're ready to read. Putting a lot out there. More than i'm usually comfortable in sharing.
How many of us really grow when shit is good and all hunky dory? Exactly, hardly any of us!!! On the flip side, who of you beautiful souls have experienced tremendous growth or clarity in discernment through tough situations and experiences regardless the type of relationship? Be it familial, personal, romantic, or even business. Everyone's growth is unique to them. Right? Right!
Then there's that one relationship that feels oh so right for all the not-so-right reasons. The kind that reflects and triggers all sorts of shit. Taunting and stuff to bubble up to the surface of your very being. You know, the crap you have been promising to resolve for EVER. Or what about the stuff you've been turning a blind eye until some magical destination is reached before finally facing and addressing it? It feels so familiar and at the same time almost dysfunctional because deep inside you've experienced this sort of dynamic before. Yeah that's the one i now share with my beautiful muse.
Please consider the following for context into my world. Envision, if you will, a deeply passionate Love affair shared by two very creative beings fighting to be freed from shackles to ghosts echoing pains of distant seasons. So what do you get in such a magically volatile mix? The most dynamic of Love affairs like a vividly colorful and almost manic canvas rendering that can only be truly appreciated by the artists themselves.
Thankfully this beautiful and sometimes clumsy dance of Love with my beloved muse forces me to have cultivated and continuously develop a newly discovered skill, a new ability. One i now call a super power. More powerful than any of my intuitive or even empathic abilities. My new super power, vulnerability. Gasp!!!! Being strong has now taken on a whole new meaning.
In every relationship from childhood until recent i have always felt it my role to protect, provide, and be "strong" and supportive while denying myself the time and care to process feelings along the way. As in-touch as i am with my feelings i often neglected processing them so as not to burden anyone else. Falsely thinking i was being "that strong man i always meant to become." Really i was just being a p*ssy with sharing for fear of how it may be received. Ironically, however, in turn i would burden my those closest to me with the need to feel Loved. Or i'd share only when it finally hits the fan. Basically blindsiding them with shit indirectly relevant to what we're currently going through. Purely out of fear and frustration. Then rinse and repeat with every failed relationship. Pure insanity. I kept doing the same f*cking thing over and over while expecting a different outcome each time. WTF?!?!?!
Vulnerability in what way Ty? What exactly do you mean? I can almost hear you asking.
Though intellectually i understood vulnerability, the 'how' to go about it eluded me. Then it clicked one day while sitting in raw discomfort as my shit was being mirrored by my lovely muse in one of our occasional impassioned experiences as i quietly listened, surrendering to the uncomfortable insights about me. Suffice it to say it is extremely hard for me to receive without reacting.
Eventually i learned how to embrace sitting in discomfort, almost reveling in it. Soon i began seeing all the wonderful opportunities in learning of myself from the outside peering inwards. By no stretch of the imagination am i allowing myself to be treated poorly. No, that's not what's happening here. I'm referring to that space of raw Love assertively cast upon me by my muse. Sometimes we are both unintentionally encouraged to enter and share in hearing such truths of the other.
Another facet of vulnerability was honoring my feelings enough to say "something doesn't feel right" and allowing myself to get to the other side so that i may share whatever this "something" is with my muse. This required a courage i never thought possible. Not the kind of courage required on a battle field but a courage in a space of raw emotion in Love and Fear. Because it meant i had to face what i was feeling and then share it in a Loving space instead of frustration. Always scary as f*ck being as i have no idea how it will be received. I now realize that as long as i'm not an ass about it then i really have nothing to lose. The outcome is rarely as bleak as we make it out to be in our minds. The space in which we can be kindly authentic and then graciously received as in the movie "Her" with Joaquin Phoenix is a perfect example.
If we allowed even for a moment that quiet stillness to contemplate the vastness of all creation we would quickly see how small our perspectives can truly be. How our perceptions can be so unidimensionally (not sure that's a word) near sighted. The universe is calling for your vulnerability. Surrender. Allow. The truth of who you are reveals itself profoundly and powerfully through the unlikeliest of circumstances. "In my defenselessness my strength lies," a passage from A Course in Miracles that is now my daily mantra and affirmation. Be well in that Loving space.