There's something I need to get off my chest. There's a heaviness, more like a 800 pound gorilla really. It's been attacking my inspiration. Pummeling it to the ground mercilessly. Not just my inspiration, but my dream, my passion. Sometimes, it almost wins too. But I ain't going out like that. Beaten and defeated. I can do anything I set my heart in achieving.
What if I told you the Universe is a living mirror to your very existence. What shifts in paradigm would you courageously step into?
"I want to own a home one day" said aloud with conviction to friends and family in moments of connection, that day has yet to come, nevertheless. "What gives, why is it taking so long? I've done all the work!" we proclaim to the heavens in a moment of frustration as we shake our fists. Let's do a little word play, what do "Wishful thinking", "Hopeful aspirations", and "Positive thinking" all have in common? The answer may not be what you expect. I'll get to that answer momentarily.
Do you have the will to surrender?
Odd question, eh? So much has gone down since my last post, with so much more for which to be grateful. We truly are blessed in spite of all the chaos that seems to be swirling about the world these days. This topic of resistance has been coming up a lot as of late with clients, friends and myself. I felt it best to strike while the iron is hot and hopefully speak to its antidote.
Woke up this morning feeling inspired and over the course of the past few days I realize there was a point where I found the need to “Bubble up.” Living in a home with many lively personalities I find that my capacity to remain in balance with energies outside my comfort zone is not always an easy thing. At times it can be quite uncomfortable and uneasy for me to stay in that place of perceived zen and remain loving. I catch myself becoming punchy and snippy when parenting and forget that in every opportunity I have the choice to lead with love. And sometimes love is stern and firm while kind and authentic. Punchy and snippy, however, is not very loving.
After a summer of travel, delicious eats, and more indulgent libations than any sane person who claims to care for their liver should have in one summer. Then I remember having this feeling wash over me. There was this strong desire of wanting to overhaul of my entire view and embodiment of wellness, my own wellness in particular. It wasn’t very clear at the time and in what form or how I would go about this transformation.
Will you try something with me? It's really simple. All you have to do is breathe. You know, that thing we do with our lungs. We breathe in this life giving substance to then release it, making room for the next intake. Now go ahead and slowly draw in a deep breath, hold it for 3 seconds, and slowly release, ahhhhhhh. Doesn't that feel good?
What started as an experimental hobby has morphed into a labor of love. It has now grown from a one-batch-at-a-time into two staggered batches of Kombucha fermentation process. Turns out I have developed a simple process for growing baby scoby (Mother) using the remains of any phase-one batch.
Yay, all the delightful pigments are soon to divulge their spectacular brilliance! The richness of colors will glow with vibrancy when formally concealed by luscious green chlorophyll that nourishes their finite cycle. A precious time of year, indeed, to witness such splendor.
I wonder, do trees lament their design in letting go and slumber, later to begin the process of regrowth? Or do they hold onto things that no longer serve them? What about the leaves? Their beauty and variance in pigment, all serving the same purpose and yet unique in their expression of self.
What i've come to realize is many lessons are intended to teach us how to intuit and act on truth. I remember one time (in band camp, lol) when in a field of logic listening to that inner knowing could have saved me lots of time and angst in a previous IT job. Following all the logical steps and work flows lead us no where on a troubleshooting call. Out of options and moves i had no where to go but to escalate across teams for a different perspective. All the while something was nagging at me to check a seemingly unrelated configuration parameter. Days passed and progress cascaded into a loss of time and wasted resources. In the end, it turned out to be that "unrelated" configuration as the culprit. F*CK ME!
It was a beautiful flowing sort of day. I was feeling lovely without a care in the world. Hanging with my new squeeze while she organizes employee logistics. Then a sudden wave of anxiety washed over me. "Babe, all of a sudden I feel anxious when I have no reason to feel this way" I look over and say. "Really..." she says with surprise and intrigued by how timely it all seemed. "Yeah, weird..." Then she follows up with "...that's interesting. When I saw the list of shifts needing to be filled I freaked out a little inside." Coincidence? I f*cking think not!
As many of you may already know of my emphatic Spiritually driven desire to coach the masses on their path to personal and intuitive development towards higher self. What you may not know is how I had to open myself up to the unknown by saying goodbye a very dear Love, my sweet darling muse of two years. Not only that but I also needed released several aspects and ideas of who and what I "thought" I was as I stepped through this process of surrendering completely to the Unknown.
It wasn't until i simply learned to ask for what i wanted without fear of judgment, rejection or failure. When i trust in my higher power things seem to flow almost effortlessly. When i tried to "make" things happen it felt like an uphill battle. Why was that? It was because i alone cannot create. i alone do not exist. i learned to allow and trust that the Universe had my back. In doing so i finally learned what it means to co-create.
Allowing does not mean sitting on our hands while waiting for something to happen. Quite the contrary. Not long ago my thinking was skewed with the perception that action and "control" were in some way cooperative and conducive to forward progress. However, time and time again i would find the only thing progressing was disappointment, impatience, and ultimately resentment.
One of my greatest lessons learned was listening for greater understanding and supporting without judgement. In other words, being present and Loving. Showing up lovingly and kindly. Not easy but very doable.
Your mind is yet to make sense of this Shift as you begin to feel this "stir" just as mine did. It wasn't until i allowed myself to Feel it, embrace it, and eventually welcome it into my life that everything began to shift. I pinky promise and cross my heart this Shift is here to serve You, to serve Us All.
Compassion can only be experienced when you acknowledge your own pain, your wounds. That wounded child scared and alone, needs You now more than ever to show them the way. That child is the one who is trapped not You. Free them and you will free yourself.
One of my many blessings in this healing process was a beautiful distinction between understanding feelings intellectually versus emotionally. A cultural and societal gap often overlooked for many by many. Even in this new age of emotional awareness, i often intellectually ”understood" most of my own wounds but never allowed myself to actually feel them.
Lower self embarrassed and shamed by this plaque, retreating in tantrums of self defeating cries for acceptance and understanding. This plaque often tarnishing this pearly Spirit with illusions of pain and false promises of cavity laden relationships.
Revealed to me recently were emotional tapes with recordings of stories no longer part of my current reality, my Now. Old ass VHS tapes (yeah, i’m from that generation. LoL) playing the same old crap from a time of powerlessness and dysfunctional emotional dishonesty. Meanwhile the current ‘me’ was reacting to Now with old information and outdated references.
To Love for no other reason than to flow of Love as a never ending spring is our universal assignment. Leaning into my truths, my shit, my wounds and giving my self permission to feel all its messy inaccuracies.